The Scramble for and the Partition of Nigerian Ailments

Very senior officials of the American, French, British, and German governments recently held fruitful discussions with their Nigerian counterparts in Accra, Ghana. The purpose of the meeting was to amicably resolve disputes that have developed over exclusive rights to treat the minor ailments of Nigerian rulers and ‘top government functionaries'. The summit was initially billed to take place in Abuja but Nigeria's representatives argued very vociferously that the timing clashed with their periodic official retreat in Accra, a city that has become their preferred location for carrying out the onerous task of governing the Nigerian people because it offers them a secure environment and stable power supply to do their work.

Convened by Nigeria's Federal Ministry of Health and the Health Committees in the Senate and the House of Representatives respectively, the meeting was attended by high-ranking officials from Aso Rock and top "chieftains" of the ruling Peoples Democratic Party. At issue was the need to map, territorialize, and establish treatment rights over the minor physical ailments of Nigerian rulers and senior government officials. This comes in recognition of the fact the minor ailments of Nigeria's leaders have become the second most valuable commodity to the four Western countries after Nigeria's oil. It will be recalled that France enjoyed a virtual monopoly over the treatment of Nigerian leaders in the 1980s after the tyrant, Ibrahim Babangida, went to Paris to treat radiculopathy. With France thus anointed by the dictator, Nigerian government officials, who until then were in the habit of treating their headaches and toothaches in London and New York, had to display their patriotism and loyalty to Babangida and Nigeria by shifting their medical safaris to France. This, obviously, did not go down well with the British and the Americans whose economies were severely affected. Thus commenced a prolonged underground ‘war' between these countries.

President Obasanjo prevented the situation from boiling over irredeemably when he assumed office in 1999. He achieved some sort of détente during his first term in office. Since he spent the entire four years ruling Nigeria from the skies, visiting every country that had an airport and, in some cases, offering to build airports for countries that had none in order to be able to visit them, there was no need for him to seek medical treatment in any of the feuding countries. An agreement was reached that allowed each of the Western countries in contention to station a permanent team of medical officials in the Nigerian presidential jet. This fragile peace was however shattered during Obasanjo's second term in office. A state governor, Diepreye Alamieyesiegha, needed to reduce the number one consequence of the incurable bacchanalia associated with government officials in Nigeria: the pot belly. Alamsco, as he is popularly called, headed to Germany for a tummy tuck. Hardly had the French Ambassador to Nigeria finished protesting this serious breach of the terms of the détente when Obasanjo's Vice President, Atiku Abubakar, had a minor knee dislocation while working out on the treadmill and rushed to London and Washington for treatment.

Unfortunately, Obasanjo was involved in a battle to determine who was less corrupt between him and Abubakar and was also stockpiling arms and ammunition in preparation for the do or die elections that would see the PDP capture Aso Rock for his anointed successor. He was therefore not in a situation to properly address the grievances of the French government over the disturbing actions of Alamsco and Atiku Abubakar. Enter President Yar'Adua, the chief culprit in the situation that led to the Accra meeting! Without any consideration for the feelings of the Americans, the British, and the French, President Yar'Adua has been strolling to Germany every other week for medical treatment. His megaphone, Segun Adeniyi, who once announced gleefully that he was trained by the Americans to communicate effectively with Nigerians, has been very busy rationalizing these trips to Germany. Nigerians, cynical as ever, have been overheard saying that a branch of Aso Rock may soon open in Wiesbaden, Germany. President Yar'Adua has treated everything from cough to eczema, toothache to backache, and hand ache to leg ache in Germany. The Americans, the British, and the French are especially infuriated by the fact that the Nigerian government has so far offered no rational explanation as to why the extremely lucrative market in the treatment of presidential ailments should become the monopoly of the Germans. They fear that every Nigerian minister and state governor may now have to display loyalty to the President by shopping for doctors and hospitals in Germany.

Fortunately, the Accra meeting scored some positive points after protracted negotiations. An amicable agreement was reached. The anatomy of the Nigerian government official was mapped and territorially apportioned to each country present. It was decided that the head would go to the Germans. All ailments associated with the head of any Nigerian government official or any Big Man with connections in the corridors of power are henceforth to be treated exclusively in Germany. This includes popular ailments like headache, toothache, ear infection, sore throat, runny nose, and eye problems. The French got the torso, much to the displeasure of the Spanish delegation that was there only in an observer capacity. Henceforth, all ailments relating to the torso - chest pain, bellyache, and backache - are to be treated in France. The British got the hands and the legs and were careful to insist that this is not limited to serious injuries like fractures and dislocations. It also includes routine manicure and pedicure. The Americans agreed to give up all claims to any part of the anatomy of Nigerian government officials in exchange for exclusive rights over all cosmetic surgery needs of their wives. Henceforth, the wives of Nigerian government officials must go to California for their tummy tucks, face lift, liposuction, breast enlargement/reduction/lifting, nose jobs, skin toning and/or bleaching, etc.

A memorandum of understanding was presented and signed by all participants. The Nigerian delegation promised to deliver it expeditiously to the Senate where it will be transformed into a binding treaty and sent to President Yar'Adua for ratification. At the end of all deliberations, the head of the German delegation gave a moving closing speech. History, he affirmed, has been made in Accra. He went down memory lane and recalled that the last time a meeting was held to share African property amicably among Western powers, it was all about land and resources. He remarked proudly that his country had had the extraordinary privilege of convening and hosting the said meeting in Berlin. Now, more than a hundred years later, it is the anatomy of the rulers of Africa's most populous nation that has been carved out among Western powers. The move from land and raw materials to human anatomy, he contended, is an indication of how brotherly and intimate the partnership between Africa and the West has become. He particularly stressed the point that Africans were not invited to the first meeting in Berlin. Now, not only were Africans present at this new partitioning, they convened and sponsored the meeting, in Accra, the spiritual home of African nationalism and independence. He concluded by telling the Nigerian delegation that they had every reason to be proud of themselves and hoped that the Nigerian people would learn to appreciate such a crop of dedicated and visionary leaders. In his speech, the leader of the British delegation apologized to the Germans for the arrest of Alamsco. The Germans had always claimed that Alamsco's arrest was an act of sabotage by the British, pure bad belle on the part of the British who merely wanted to "spoil market" for the Germans because Alamsco had his tummy tuck in Germany and not in Britain.

In his vote of thanks, the head of the Nigerian delegation thanked the Western powers for the selflessness with which they place the excellent medical facilities in their countries at the disposal of Nigerian leaders. What further proof of their commitment to the progress of Nigeria could there be? For it is only when Nigerian leaders enjoy good health that they are able to serve the people and deliver the dividends of democracy. By continuously treating the ailments of Nigeria's leaders, these Western countries have shown that they are committed to moving Nigeria forward and the Nigerian people would remain eternally grateful to them.